Italians: How to Drive in America

Sally-Joy Robertson Drives the Point Home

Submitted to Wandering Italy by Sally-Joy Robertson, addressing those "crazy" Italian drivers.

We all know you Italians are crazy drivers. You drive way too fast; it says so on the Internet.

When you come here to the United States to take advantage of our poor, neglected, almost worthless dollar, you may wish to follow the American Way of Driving. In other words, get with the program.

See, I talked to God the other night about you all, and he said it would be a good idea to have a word.

The Man above speaks to the driving public in His masterpiece Genesis. "So let my lord go on ahead of his servant, while I move along slowly at the pace of the droves before me and that of the children, until I come to my lord in Seir." Obviously, the Lord loveth slowness. (And if you don't know where Seir is, look at the map the next time you're driving. It works well if you open the map up and spread it over the steering wheel like a tablecloth.)

What God doesn't love is the way you Italians zip by in your so-called "fast lane." This is simply not done here. Let me tell you a simple, unadulterated fact. The left lanes of our freeways are reserved for those persons who need the tranquility of smooth pavement and flourish in the knowledge that once there, we can't be attacked from the left. This lane is where the business of America is conducted. We talk on our mobile phones, we do our hair for our appointments--all at a reasonable speed. To think you Italians just want to get places quickly and efficiently in your left lane is why America clobbers you both morally and economically.

And another thing: we don't zip onto the freeways from the on ramps. I don't know what gets into you people. Here is the procedure:

1. When entering the freeway, go as slow as humanly possible, until the engine starts to buck and lug.


2. If a person approaches the on-ramp while driving in the right lane of the freeway and sees you creeping forward ever so slowly, he is wise to slow down, too.


3. When the two cars are roughly aligned, both drivers shall brake so as to facilitate aligning their cars exactly side-by-side.


4. When the two side-by-side cars have achieved a speed roughly half that of a one-legged man walking without a cane, the drivers can safely signal to each other for the other to go ahead. This is called "good manners" in America.


5. Of course, this is not a solution for entering the freeway safely but a social formality. Eventually, one driver will stall an engine, and the other is free to advance to the right freeway lane safely and by him or her self.

See how nice it works?

As a bonus, the freeway has been brought down to a speed that will save the lives of all individuals. Salvation for all! It's not that hard, oh you people of the boot!

Accidents Do Happen

America forgives those who drive their big cars into other cars, preferably smaller ones like you all drive in Italy. Let's say you are bopping down the highway while on the cell and plucking your eyebrows. (Plucking eyebrows to set them right has a long tradition in American religion. Look at the former Tammy Baker. You see, the way we see it, people are God's beta. That is to say we aren't finished yet. God messed up on the brows. We all know they belong somewhere else, so we do God's work by putting them there. With life so packed with prayerful obligations, what better time to do this than while driving a car?)

OK, so let's say you aren't paying the slightest bit of attention, and your car, weaving serpentine down the highway smashes into another car which happens to start a chain reaction. Suddenly cars are scattered and spinning all over the road. The stench of acrid, burning rubber reminds you of hell but--ha! fooled you!--it isn't. It's simply a little fender-bender.

God isn't mad! Don't worry yourself! Air bags will take the sting out.

Now, there's just one thing. If the exact, same thing happened and there was alcohol on your breath. Well, that's another thing, isn't it?

That would be wrong. You belong in hell for it, even if you were a driver in one of the other cars and think of yourself as a victim rather than a car-sinner. Shame on you for such evil thoughts.

Yes, drink is the one road sin you can commit in America. You remember that.

While driving, you don't have to pay attention, just the tolls.

Questions?

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The author is a lifetime member of the Hummer chapter of Road Redemption, ltd. and plucks her beautifully arched eyebrows frequently while gazing lovingly into her special-order, oversized rear view mirror. Honk if you love God. Don't worry about startling her, she probably isn't paying attention.

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