Milan's Anorexic Fashion Models and the American Solution

What’s today’s top fad in the fashion world? Governments rushing to forbid the employment of diminutive fashion models has to be numero uno. According to the titans of the fashion industry, these anorexic waifs evidently make the best human hangers for their overpriced clothes-like-objects.

First Milan Sends Skinny Models Packing, then others follow, the latest in London.

What if the fad really catches fire, and the US government’s propensity for overstating the case gets interwoven like a stinky mackerel into the web of the what-constitutes-models-who-are-too-skinny controversy? Let’s say someone writes an op-ed insisting that it is a scientific fact that all our young women are catching the low self-esteem virus from tiny Ballet dancers, so our on-the-ball government leaps into action and demands that all ballet stars gain 200 pounds so they can look like everybody else, which leads to..

Ballet in America 2013 – The Grand Opening

The 2007 edict mandating an average weight gain of 200 pounds for every professional tutu-wearer has raised the average weight of the typical female dancer to 250 pounds. Ballet troops, and the people who watch them, have changed.

Last night’s performance was a case in point. While the older aficionado of Ballet might long for the athletic subtlety that disappeared with those now-forgotten lithe and athletic bodies, no one can deny the enormous increase in tension today’s beefier ballet provides its audience.

As the lights go up, the reflection from the stainless steel oxygen tanks and hoses crowded into the Orchestra pit come into view. Yes, yesterday’s mighty brass and spine-tingling strings could not hope to glitter nearly as well as modern cardiac revival equipment.

As the curtain rises, the stage groans under the weight of the corps de ballet as they begin the syncopated waddle that has been choreographed for them. Occasionally a dancer falters. Gasps explode from the crowd. Attendants grab for defibrillators.

As the canned music thumps along with the dancers, a few stagger, soliciting sharp intakes of breath from the engaged crowd. A dancer falls. The silence turns deafening. The devilish, snake-like hiss of oxygen provides the essential drama as the scene unfolds.

It doesn’t get much scarier than that!

Why The New Beefier America (and its Ballet) is Better

The Economy Grows! As the average USian scrambles to follow the crowd, abandoning years of inbred anorexic reflexes for the six-meal-a-day look, the economy blossoms as farmers reap wealth from the land. Even pigs have their day as they are once again allowed to be pigs instead of trying to fake it as “the other white meat.” Human lust for life returns as everyone benefits economically from the increased consumption of just about everything. The regressive shovel-money-at-the-rich idiocy of supply side economics is broken by a return to a balanced economy. Then again, all the extra money people manage to accumulate is spent on food. You can’t have everything.

Trade Deficit Shrinks! As the main architects of this fat-for-life scheme, Americans companies beat all the exports to the punch by quickly gearing up to produce cars that the new, gargantuan-size USians can fit into. The tide of money flowing to Europe and Asia intended for cars actually made to last a few years reverses in favor of the new twice-as-wide American cars, which will be usable once the roads have been widened by quite a bit.

Are You Ready for World Peace?! Yes, now that soldiers are so enormous, the normally comatose White House staff realizes that their troops have blossomed into sitting ducks on the battlefield. This fact has forced a return to diplomacy, and all new diplomats are actually required to know how to spell the names of the places they are assigned to, and are advised to have an inkling of which continent these countries are found in. There are plenty of jobs open, as you can imagine.

On the down side, the wonderful folks whose job it is to use PhotoShop to lengthen the legs of models in photos intended for American fashion magazines will have to get retrained, learning to enhance a model’s fleshy folds instead.

You can’t have everything.

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Milan's Anorexic Fashion Models and the American Solution originally appeared on , updated: Feb 14, 2007 © .

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